Having a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is traumatic at any age. In this post, I want to talk about the experience of being a teenager with a Narcissistic Mother or Father (or both). Thanks to two very brave and aware (teens) young adults who shared their narcissistic parents’ abuse (as they recorded it) on youtube you will experience what it is like. I am in my 50’s now. I was a child, teen, and remain an adult child (my father was also a narcissist – he died in 1997) of a narcissistic mother (currently).
Despite the healing and recovery I have done from having had 2 Narcissistic (co-morbid borderline as well) parents these videos of those experiencing it now, in their young lives left me feeling a lot. I felt about my own past and history and my mother’s antics that continue to this day (though I do not have a relationship with her) and I felt so much empathy for these two video makers/sharers as well as all who are on the other side of a narcissistic parent.
The emotional trauma, the damaging verbal carnage, and the terrible emotions and stress that are felt as the result of a narcissistic parent are formidable.
In this video below, shares an experience, he had, trying to show his narcissistic father what he feels and goes through in with the hope, that doesn’t pan out of getting his father to see how he is treating him. His father, a narcissist, in typical narcissistic fashion tried to blame him for everything, acts like he is the victim, when he is the abusive victimizer. Then all he can care about – his own interests – wanting the video to be erased and deleted – has all to do with the narcissists need to not be exposed. That becomes his focal point. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything else but getting what it is that he wants – that he feels entitled to. And narcissists do not own or see their behavior. They feel entitled and will endlessly justify no matter how many lies they spew or how much blaming, shaming, gaslighting they do. They get extremely defensive because they are emotional children, stuck in the terrible two’s only worse than that stage of early childhood development.
In both these examples what should be crystal clear to you, especially if you relate, and have been abused or are being abused by a narcissistic parent and you are a teenager, young or even older adult, is that these people are describing the other person’s behaviour – in the exact way that they, the narcissistic parents are behaving. They are totally self-absorbed. And they make threats, demands, punish, others, for what it is that they are actually doing.
It is so important if you are going through this right now and are a teenager or young adult (even older adult) that what narcissistic parents say to you is SO true of them and it is not about you. It is so important, and equally difficult, to come to understand that even though this is someone who you want, need, and deserve love from and these are interpersonal relationships, you just cannot take personally what a narcissist (in this case narcissistic parents) say to you, accuse you of, and the ways that they, while being unthinking and unfeeling vilifying abusers behave as though they are being victimized by you while they victimize you with their abuse.
In this video a teenage (I’m guessing) daughter of a narcissistic mother handles herself about as well as one can and yet I couldn’t help but feel a tremendous amount of empathy for her. Her video is so typical, sadly, of an abusive narcissistic parent, no doubt, so many will relate. Notice in this video that the daughter is told by the narcissistic mother (it truly is tragically so common) that she is the scapegoat while her brother is the golden child. I remember, though my mother’s patterns and verbal abuse were not exactly like this mother’s are, so well the futility of trying to even be heard – because you never do get heard by a narcissistic parent. This is especially true when you are the scapegoated child of the narcissistic parent.
As difficult to impossible as it can be and definitely feel to not take a narcissistic abusive parent’s abuse personally, it is so important that you realize that it is, sadly, not worth trying to reason with them because they are not rational and cannot be in that reasonable place you need and want them to be in with you. Observe it, and do not absorb it. Don’t take it on as your own.
I was especially taken back many years, when in Taylor’s video, her mother said, “You brought this on yourself …” If I had a nickel for every time growing up one of my narcissistic (and BPD) parents said that, I’d be so rich! Point is, however, for a lot of people, no matter their age, hearing that you brought on the abuse you are suffering yourself is not only gaslighing you, toying with you sense of reality, but it can leave many teens, young adult or adult children of a narcissistic and abusive parent(s) feeling like they have done something to cause their parent’s reaction. This is just not true! Yet, growing up with an abusive narcissistic parent so much is taken personally and negatively effects us, traumatizes us, whether we are realizing it or not.
If you have a parent like either in these videos, please, withdraw from them, and seek support from other family members and even professional help because the damage that we endure accrues and it lasts and casts a long shadow forward over the course of life if one does not get help with it and learn that they are the ones being failed by the narcissist parent – and they are not the ones who should bear the shame, the blame, or the responsibility.
Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are really unaware and blind to their own abusive to evil behavior. They abuse and act like victims. It is always all about them. This is totally not acceptable. I help people to learn ways to cope while in the presence of a narcissistic parent and when one is out on their own in the world and the adult child of a narcissistic parent. You can heal, learn to make sense out of this senseless and unrelenting abuse. To do so, however, you need to learn coping skills and tools and the less contact you have with the narcissistic abuser the better it will be for you emotionally even though that can be a very sad state of affairs indeed.
© A.J. Mahari, January 9, 2016 – All rights reserved – except for the videos above that are © each person who recorded them and put them up on youtube to hopefully feel supported and get some help and to also help others.