Narcissistic Personality Disordered people are for many, a family member(s), a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a husband, a wife, a parent(s), an adult-child. Regardless of the type of relationship that you may have or have had with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the reality for all on the other side of a narcissist is crazy-making. Narcissists are abusive emotionally, psychologically, verbally, financially, spiritually and often physically. Narcissists believe you are treating them the very way that they are treating you as they describe how they “perceive” being treated. This is called projection on the part of the narcissist. Narcissists are not aware of the massive projection they are responsible for and you become the mirror image for them as an extension of them. Narcissists do not see you. Narcissists have no empathy. Narcissists are pathological liars. Narcissists have no capacity for healthy adult love or any mutuality or reciprocity at all.
It is a myth that most with NPD are male. There are many women with NPD as well. There has been a diagnostic stereotyping for lack of a better way to explain it that sees many with the same symptoms, meeting the criteria for NPD being diagnosed with it if male and often with BPD if female. Narcissists definitely come in both genders. (Not even limited to male/female could be transgender as well).
This website will provide you with a wide variety of information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The mission of this website, along with the counseling and coaching I do with loved ones of those with NPD, is to help educate you about NPD, explain the things that you may well have been experiencing but that you feel so unsure and/or confused about. I want to help you make sense out of a relationship that can’t make healthy sense whether the narcissist is your parent, partner, sibling, friend, or co-worker.
This site will be inclusive and in depth for you if you have had or are in a relationship with someone with NPD. There is so much to know. So much to learn. You may know a lot already, or this may be one of your first time reading about NPD on the web hoping against hope that you will not find your loved one, his/her “relational style” described here.
Chances are if you are searching, you have identified something in a loved one that more likely than not means NPD. That can provide heartache, a tendency to deny your experience or that what you will read here fits. It can also mean that you may well be struggling thinking that you are the one with NPD because the person that has you so confused (to say the least) may well have accused you of having NPD, the very thing that he/she has.
It can be and often is that crazy-making. Narcissists have a way of leaving you feeling, thinking, and believing that they are “always right”, that they “know it all”, that “they know you”, while you are “always wrong”, “never good enough”, “seem to know nothing”, and you just don’t understand in his/her view. You narcissist will have told you, if not directly, in so many ways, that the problem is you, not him or her.
So many people, who first purchase and book a session with me, who are close to a narcissist, are confused, feel broken, worn out, exhausted, worried that they’ve lost their minds. Feel like he or she doesn’t know who he/she is anymore with this one significant person in one’s life.
Narcissists, among many other things, are masters at the art and manipulation, along with gaslighting, those who try to love or care about them. They are masters of making their problems appear to be all because of you. They take no personal responsibility.
Many men are narcissists. This is a personality disorder that notwithstanding one’s gender, causes anyone close to him/her to experience a tremendous amount of abuse disguised as concern or love for you. If you find yourself often upset or even daily or a few times a week so hurt and confused you have no idea what to do. Or you sit and listen to the male or female narcissist in your life talk at you, on and on, and on. Claiming they are trying to just explain something you (in their grandiose and skewed perspective) couldn’t possibility understand. There isn’t anything as basic as a movie to watch, a present you gave, a child’s passing wind, that narcissist can’t and won’t make a federal case out of with you. So many, especially women, with male narcissists end up sitting for hours being verbally berated as to what she may have said (that has triggered the narcissist) and was “wrong”, or what she may not have said, (triggers narcissist), that is not “caring” about him or not being “good enough” for him. Hours and hours of tirades, loudly or quietly, male or female, in which the similarity, at core, is unrelenting verbal abuse and gaslighting control so that they are right and you have to be wrong. They will accuse you of the very things they say and do. That’s what confused so many loved ones. That is at the heart of all that is the crazy-making narcissist in desperate and driven controlling, belligerent, dominating ways extracting the narcissistic supply she/he will endlessly take from you.
Narcissists are not called emotional vampires for nothing. They take and take, and criticize and give you negativity and then they try to tell you that they show you the love you show them that they don’t even accept or take in.
If you aren’t sure, but you feel like someone you love and care about or are close to or a is a family member is likely someone with NPD and you feel like you need to understand what is going on, I hope you will find this website helpful. There are many websites designed for the loved ones of NPD on the internet.
What I have to offer, as I will in my posts here, as well as Ebooks and Audios, and in counselling or coaching if you’d like to talk to me about your situation/relationship, is a multifaceted understanding of those with NPD and how they effect and abuse loved ones. I have personal experience having been abused by two NPD/BPD co-morbid parents, and one ex-partner who was also co-morbid NPD/BPD.
NPD is formidable. It is more prevalent and pervasive and increasing in multitudes of people in society. NPD is difficult enough. For those dealing with co-morbidity (more than one personality disorder in a loved one) – for example someone with NPD/BPD it makes life much more complicated, painful, and relating much more difficult. When someone has both NPD and BPD (and often substance abuse) the percentage chance for successful treatment and change drops drastically. Most won’t even go to therapy simply because as far as they are aware (they lack insight) you are the “problem” – the one that should go to therapy. Then nothing can change. What does that leave you with? What does that mean for you?
There are also people, maybe your loved one, who meet the criteria and exhibit the traits and relational abuse of all 3 (as of the DSM 5) cluster B personality disorders. This also includes Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) better known as sociopaths or psychopaths, in many cases as well.
NPD is a spectrum. Not everything you read on the internet may apply to the person(s) in your life you believe or know have NPD. This being said, it is important to get to know the pattern and presentation that your loved one(s) manifests and that you are or have been trying to cope with.
Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals do not know what healthy adult love is. They are not in love with themselves. Quite the opposite. They suffer inside with a compromised, at best, sense of self, and all that they are so grandiose and arrogant about is his or her way of overcompensating for a painful dark abyss inside of primal pain from his or her past that if they even begin to feel they must one way or another run from.
In this regard, with the reality that those with NPD, whether they know it or not, feel or not, are people suffering a great deal of pain and insecurity, jealousy and a tremendous need to be the center of attention and will do almost anything to make sure that they keep you engaged (to a crazy-making point for you) so that they can derive the narcissistic supply they most want/need from you. You may believe you love them. You may well love him or her. The problem is, they can’t love you back.
This is the dilemma for those who are the family or loved ones or friends of someone with NPD. They take, demand you give, and then what’s left for you?
I hope I can help you answer that question and many more you no doubt have as you read this site and/or purchase and arrange a session(s) with me. No one loves or cares about a narcissist without experiencing so much abuse that you need your own recovery process.
© A.J. Mahari, December 28, 2015 – All rights reserved.